I dislike small talk. (I don’t like to use the word ‘hate’ so I’m being restrained here.) I mean I really, really dislike small talk. It’s tedious, feels useless, and comes across as boring, never mind insincere.
I hear that comment almost every day and I personally feel that way when I walk into a networking event. Ugh! What can I think of to say to this person? I live in Boston and yes we had a horrible winter, but I’m tired of talking about it.
Maybe it’s because I never had children of my own that I find them so fascinating and fun to watch, especially when they’re communicating with each other. Kids that are pre-verbal come across like they have so much to say and just can’t get it out. In case you missed this YouTube video, here are twins engaging in conversation:
What I find inspiring about watching these two is that they’re not overthinking what they’re going to say next. And because it’s in a language others (e.g., adults) can’t understand, it’s fun to imagine what they’re really talking about. It seems to be a meaningful and engaging conversation that ends with them trying to stand on their heads.
The conversation starts with one guy walking up to the other one and simply talking. When did we learn to stop doing that? Just because they’re small, doesn’t mean they stop at “small” talk (bad joke).
What if we imagine someone starts with “big talk”? What would that look like? What about these conversation openers?
- When are you going to sign a contract and we can start the project?
- What were your revenues last year?
- Do you like your current accountant, lawyer, website host provider?
- I’ve got a quota to make by the end of the week, want to buy anything?
- Or how about this one: Will you be my best friend?
No hello or how are you—just dive right in.
Obviously those are exaggerations. Those opening lines wouldn’t work professionally or personally. We need to build rapport first. Here are a few tips I use to help me get through the angst of small talk:
- Cultivate a list of networking buddies. I use the tagging feature in Insightly to keep this list up-to-date. These are folks you see at events or can invite to events with you. Ahead of time, we eat a quick bite and then we can talk about what the other one is looking for and then be a lookout scout.
- If I’m on my own, I start with two words: “Tell me.” For example, Tell me how you know [name of organization hosting the event]. Tell me where you work. Tell me how you found out about xyz event.
- Find out what they’re looking for and try to help. It’s not about you! The other person is there for a reason. Mentally stroll through your Insightly CRM and begin to think about doing an e-introduction. This is an excellent way to stay on someone’s radar.
- Volunteer. It may sound weird, but I really like to hand out name tags. I’m behind a desk/table, get to say hello quickly and be reminded of someone’s name, and then we’re both on to the next conversation. (You can create a tag for “volunteer.”)
- Talk to people who are alone. They appreciate it and are often interesting but intimidated as well.
- Deep breathing exercises. I often stand along a wall or inside of the elevator and do extended breathing exercises. If I’ve had a bad day or difficult conversation earlier, I clench my fist and release it after 30 seconds. (That sounds like a short time—it’s really pretty long.)
- Practice! This may sound odd but I encourage you to talk with people at the airport when you’re waiting at security. Here’s why:
- You are very safe. There are cameras everywhere!
- You have a shared goal: getting through security.
- Test opening conversation starters:
- Traveling for fun or work?
- Is Boston home?
- Tell me how you like your roller bag? (Turns out people have strong opinions about their luggage. Who knew?!)
- Another practice location is on public transportation. Carry a map and ask a question of the person near you. (Remember, your personal safety is always #1.)
- Can you recommend a restaurant?
- Is there a must-see event/location that only locals know about?
Seriously, the best tip I can give you is that people are there for themselves. The faster you find that out, the more talking they’ll do and they less you’ll need to do.
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About the Author: Diane Darling knows the value of relationships and how to build them. The author of McGraw-Hill’s definitive book on networking, The Networking Survival Guide. Diane speaks and trains thousands of people each year on ways to build relationships, leading to opportunities and growth.
